Mistakes: Curse or Blessing?

A day without mistakes is unlikely; a life without them is impossible. Or so we believe. But is that really true? And if it is, how do we deal with it?

What is a mistake, exactly? A mistake is generally understood as wrong behaviour, something incorrect or imperfect.

We learn this intuitively very early — usually before we can even speak. The people we grow up with as small children show us through their words and behaviour whether what we are doing is right or wrong. In early childhood this is primarily about whether we are behaving as expected.

Whether we behave rightly or wrongly is always bound up with meeting expectations.

These expectations differ depending on family, background, country and culture. Since belonging is one of our fundamental needs, we learn very quickly to meet the expectations placed on us — so as not to be excluded or punished in other ways. We develop a fine sensitivity for what counts as right or wrong behaviour.

Then school introduces a new dimension of mistakes: errors in the work we produce. Now it can be wrong to spell a word incorrectly or to solve a sum the wrong way. From this point on, we are measured by how well we avoid mistakes. The consequence of making one is the same we have already internalised: we are punished for it. Directly through a lower grade, indirectly through less recognition from the teacher and often from classmates too.

School grades tell us how good we are at avoiding mistakes.

And so we learn an important lesson: mistakes are bad. We then spend much of our lives trying to avoid them. We move through the world as though walking through a minefield — breathing shallowly, shoulders raised, eyes wide open and fixed on the ground so as not to step on a mine. And just as we cannot take in the beauty and abundance of nature while crossing a minefield, we cannot open ourselves trustingly to life when we are constantly focused on not making a mistake.

What if we took a closer look at this whole business of mistakes? Objectively measurable errors we simply have to live with. Five plus five is ten — a relaxed attitude cannot change that. And in professions that require precise, exacting work, navigating like a minefield is sometimes unavoidable. But beyond that, there is an enormous playground with no mines in it. A space where mistakes are allowed. Because — as we have heard again and again, and perhaps experienced ourselves:

We learn from mistakes.

And what we usually learn is not that we are less valuable, less loveable, less worthy when we make them. We simply learn that we are not perfect. And almost always we come to know ourselves better in the process. We may learn that we do not actually want to meet certain expectations because they do not fit our outlook, our convictions or our vision of life. Or that we misjudged ourselves — perhaps overestimated our abilities. Or, especially when the same mistake keeps happening, that there is something we simply do not want to learn. And we always learn something about those around us too — about their relationship to mistakes, to perfection, about their expectations and attitudes. It is worth examining our own relationship to mistakes.

Mistakes are negatively assessed experiences.

Aside from objectively measurable errors in the natural sciences, all other mistakes are nothing more than experiences we evaluate negatively. Whether we behaved toward a friend in a way that was not good for us or for them, or made a decision we later judge harshly — the judgement itself arises from expectations, whether our own or those of friends, family or society.

Behaviour or decisions that disappoint expectations tend to be labelled mistakes as a matter of course.

Sometimes a closer look allows a shift in perspective that leads to a different assessment — for example when, by asking questions, we learn the background to a particular behaviour. It would be far easier if we started out with fewer expectations. When we are open to other people and their personal choices, open to situations we suddenly find ourselves in, open to life in all its variations and facets — we are less tempted to judge. And so we encounter fewer mistakes, because we draw less and less distinction between right and wrong.

A first step toward a healthier relationship with mistakes would therefore be to hold fewer expectations — of ourselves, of others and of our surroundings. To orient ourselves less by what is prescribed from outside, and more by what we feel. When we act intuitively, we are not trying to meet expectations — and from our own perspective, we cannot make mistakes. This is enormously liberating, because it makes the fear of mistakes unnecessary. That fear which consumes so much energy and builds so many walls. We learn to receive our experiences as they come, without judging them. Experiences that feel good we will seek out again; those that generate discomfort we will try to avoid in future. The learning is the same as when we talk about mistakes — but the attitude is different. More relaxed. And yes, ultimately healthier.